Now, if everyone will, please put on your 3-D glasses.

Not that this column or any of the content in the newspaper today is presented in three dimensions. It's just that the sense of vertigo created by wearing a pair of 3-D glasses for over an hour is a great way to kill an entire afternoon.

Like Halley's Comet or the Beastie Boys, 3-D films have returned from their trip around the sun and are officially back in vogue. Two dimensions, like coloring books and our nation's political system, is just too dull. Hollywood is ready, again, to break down the fourth wall and pull you, kicking and screaming, right into the screen.

This isn't your mom and dad's 3-D, though. Long gone are the 3-Dglasses with one red lens and one blue lens. Now, it's all digital, just like your wristwatch. The lenses are now black, and the glasses almost look like really gaudy sunglasses. Wear them to the beach, if you want.

A handful of 3-D movies have hit theaters recently, such as "Meet the Robinsons"and "The Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D." And, just you wait and see, a whole slew of new 3-D movies are just around the corner.

One of said 3-D movies will be "Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D,"which Irecently saw a preview for. In the preview, star Brendan Fraser is brushing his teeth, and he spits his toothpaste down and directly into the camera, popping right out of the screen and into my face.

Brendan Fraser is spitting. In my face. In 3-D. I assume there's a metaphor there.

Ever wanted to feel even closer to Bono than you do each time you hear "With or Without You"?Want no more; "U2 3D" has arrived. Yes, for a full 85 minutes, you can see mic stand after mic stand popping out of the screen at you. It's quite jarring.

You're too late to see the tri-dimensional Irish rockers, though, as it's already out of theaters in these parts. Ithink the "Hannah Montana" movie chased it away.

"Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert" is not just a ridiculously long title, it's also a 3-D movie meant for family fun. And, like most family entertainment, tickets will cost you $18 a pop, since families are meant to spend all their money on Disney films rather than other extravagances, like food and shelter.

Hannah Montana, for those who don't know, is just a regular person who puts on a wig and instantly becomes a superstar. Kind of like William Shatner.

Now, in pursuit of more yuk-yuks that will drive nerds nuts, I've heard that George Lucas is reportedly considering rereleasing the original "Star Wars" trilogy to DVD for what has to be the 32nd or 33rd time, this time in 3-D. Not that this would be a total waste for "Star Wars" fans; putting the scene from "Return of the Jedi" with Princess Leia in a golden bikini into 3-D will finally allow them to be close to a woman.

Well, I have to go, as I can hear a nerd mob gaining strength outside my door, preparing to pummel me with their plastic lightsabers and Boba Fett action figures. Just as long as they don't break my "Hannah Montana" 3-D glasses; I paid $18 for these things.

(Reach columnist Kelly Hagen at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@;bismarcktribune.com.)