The economy is in a bit of a tizzy lately. Had you noticed?

We've all heard about how the economy is tanking, foreclosures are rising, wheat prices are soaring and pulling our grocery bills up with them, consumer confidence is down and gas prices are ridiculous. And our ever-vigilant government is going to solve all these problems by sending out "economic stimulus" checks of $600 or so.

I'm going to use mine to buy a pet penguin and name it Emperor Waddles.

What I'm really waiting for is something I'm calling an "economic stimulant," in the form of a free can of Dr. Pepper. As reported by Billboard.com (because Icouldn't make this up), Dr. Pepper has announced that, if Guns N' Roses releases its long-promised opus, "Chinese Democracy,"sometime in 2008, they will give "everyone in America" a free can of their carbonated sugar syrup.

GN'R fans have spent years imagining the moment that they would finally hear this album, soaking in the sounds of frontman Axl Rose's shrieking atop heavy metal thunder, the feel of the CD case, and finally looking down on what will have to be the greatest recording in music history.

Now, they have a new sensory image to add to that daydream:the taste of 23 flavors that come together to form the Voltron of soft drinks, Dr. Pepper.

While we're on the subject, how can something have 23 flavors?Are they counting high-fructose corn syrup as a flavor?Here are my best guesses on a few more:vanilla, caffeinated bath water, Tang, paprika, bubbles and just a touch of plum.

Anyway, don't start making plans for that Dr. Pepper just yet (Ialready promised mine to the penguin). Axl has already invested 15 years and reportedly $13 million into recording "Chinese Democracy." After that long and that much effort, this album really has to be at least as good as "Sgt. Pepper," (pun intended) or he's going to take a lot of abuse. Will the promise of a free soda be enough for Axl to let his baby go?

I certainly hope so. I think that "Chinese Democracy"could really do a lot of good right now. After all, the government is giving its economic stimulus checks to us in the hopes that we'll go out and spend that money, and spur the economy. So here's something we can all spend $14 of that stimulus on. What else were you going to spend that money on? A jet ski? A pet penguin? A tank of gas?Get real; you can't afford any of those things.

In fact, the combination of money flowing through the retail sector and the sugar high we all get from our Dr. Peppers might be just the thing to shake off recession.

Picture if you will:The U.S. economy is again flush with money, and a thankful nation turns its back on our two political parties, and instead rewards Axl Rose with the presidency in November, becoming our first leader to wear his hair in corn rows since Grover Cleveland. Axl then spreads "Democracy"across the globe, curing all ills in the Middle East, freeing Tibet from the grasp of China, and ending the horrors of Sudan.

Get ready for some "World Democracy,"all thanks to Axl Rose and some multi-flavored corn syrup.

(Columnist Kelly Hagen is a pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too?If so, contact him at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@bismarcktribune.com.)