I'm not sure that I completely trust Superman.

Yes, he's the great American superhero, dedicated to fighting injustice. I get that. Yet, at the same time, he's employed as a full-time reporter for the Daily Planet. That means he's pulling 40 hours, minimum, out of his crimefighting schedule to interview sources, research and write front-page articles for the leading newspaper in Metropolis.

I want to know, what about all of the crimes being perpetrated while he's in front of his computer, typing away to make deadline? What about all the stories he's missing while he's flying around in his underwear, defending our planet?

He's either a good superhero and a poor journalist, or a great journalist and an inadequate do-gooder. He cannot have it both ways.

More specifically, I don't completely trust the depictions of newswriters in popular media. From Larry Appleton, writing investigative pieces from a typewriter in the basement on "Perfect Strangers,"to Carrie Bradshaw of "Sex and the City," who somehow can afford $40,000 in shoes and living the high life in New York City on a columnist's salary, I don't think they accurately portray life in a newsroom.

Let's look at an instance in the life of Ray Barone, from "Everybody Loves Raymond," who is a sports columnist for Newsday. Does anybody remember when Barone proposed to his wife, Debra, by bringing home an "advance" issue containing his column for Newsday, in which he asked her to marry him?

That couldn't possibly happen in real life, could it?

For the sake of science, let's take a look at me. I write a column for a newspaper. Hard to believe, but yes, it's true.

Incidentally, I also have a girlfriend, Annette, who I have been dating for quite some time, and I love her dearly. She completes me in every way. She is strong where Iam weak, yet she mirrors me in so many important ways. She is smart, beautiful, clever and funny. She makes my life complete; I spend my every waking hour thinking of ways I can make her happy.

She's also my favorite audience. Most every week, I will let her read my column before it's published. I trust her judgment, because I think she is a brilliant writer. Also, she has this amazing laugh that fills a room. I know I'm on the right track if I can draw out one of those immaculate guffaws.

Could I pull a Ray Barone on her? Personally, I think it would be scientifically irresponsible for me to not investigate the hypothesis.

So, maybe what I should do is write a column with a fake-out opening, probably devoted to some odd point about Superman. This will keeep her off-guard, since no one wants to see a proposal coming.

Then, slow build to "Sex and the City,"a little bit of Cousin Larry, yadda, yadda, yadda, praise science, then start talking about Annette.

Finally, I would end the column in a simple question (which we will get back to in a moment), turn that column in to the city editor for publication, then take an advance copy of my column home for her beautiful eyes to read before any of you get the chance to see it.

So, here it is. Annette, in the name of science, would you marry me?

(Internet update - She said yes. Science wins again.)

(Columnist Kelly Hagen can be reached at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@bismarcktribune.com.)