MIAMI - Whether in a relationship or looking for one, consider this: If you are a woman, chances are rising that you will out-earn your man.

Now that women increasingly are graduating with advanced degrees, starting their own businesses and moving up in the corporate world, their expanding role as bread-winner is altering their role in marriage and companionship. The female out-earns the male in one of every three households, a figure that has increased every year since 2000 and will rocket to about half by 2025.

The shift in economic power has couples charting new boundaries in areas from money talks to household chores to what goes on in the bedroom.

"Because of these dynamics, the rules of marriage have changed more in last 30 years than the previous 3,000," says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches families studies at The Evergreen State College and has authored books on marriage and gender roles.

The shift requires as much of an adjustment from men as it does for women, who find themselves struggling to cede any control over household duties and family tasks.

Graham Howland, 48, says giving up his demanding career as a chef has helped his wife, Lisa Landy, 44, excel as a Miami law firm partner while raising a family. "I love taking care of the kids and cooking meals every night for them," he says of his role as primary child-care giver.

"I'm OK with her being the boss over our finances," Howland says, but he admits the arrangement is more difficult at times for his wife. "If I take the kids to the doctor, she gives me a thorough list of questions I have to ask."

The pitfalls of these relationships: Some men feel emasculated if their wives are the breadwinners and they are asked to take on more household chores and child-care responsibilities. And some women feel resentful if they not only shoulder most of the household's financial obligations, but also are expected to pick up the lion's share of the domestic responsibilities.

In Hispanic and Caribbean households where traditional views on gender roles are sometimes stronger, pressure to conform may also come from extended family. To make these modern relationships work, couples say, requires frank discussion early on, frequent communication and marital trouble-shooting skills.

"Both have to give up the 1950s definition of masculinity and femininity, and focus on how they can be their best as individuals inside a couple," Coontz says.

Martha Bejar says she and her husband, high school sweethearts, have done just that. Seven months ago, Bejar, 45, landed a big job with Microsoft as a corporate vice president, pushing her up even further in earnings and responsibility.

For now, it has meant her husband, Juan, 46, a medical spa owner, must do more of the school pick-ups and daily supervision of their two young sons. It also means a family relocation this summer from Fort Lauderdale, Fla., to Washington - a potentially huge strain on a relationship. "We try to step out of the stereotypes. Sometimes I sacrifice, sometimes he does," she explains.

When Christina Noelle, 35, landed a promotion two years ago that required travel four days a week between Miami and Chicago, her husband Paul, 37, gave up his job. "Someone needed to be home making parent decisions." Hired entry-level 12 years ago, Noelle oversees all operations for MCZ Development.

She says she's trying to find the balance to make her married life work. "I want to come home and talk about things and be involved with decision making but at the same time I don't want to sound like I'm telling him what to do."

Gilda Carle, a psychotherapist/relationship expert, says the societal assumption is that men in these disparate income relationships must have high self-esteem. But she says it also takes a secure woman.

Carle says a lot of higher-earning women overcompensate. "They are so frightened that their husband will feel threatened that they downplay their promotion or hide their raise or come home at 7 and start trying to make an elaborate dinner when their husband has been home since 5," she says.

In a couple, Carle says, the person who makes more money tends to feel more powerful - and some women who do earn more hold that power over their spouse.

Landy says that is a dynamic she works hard to avoid. 'Sometimes he complains that I don't do enough around the house and I try not to say, 'well you don't make money' because that's not fair. This is how we both decided we would divide the partnership right now."

Couples say these relationships work best when each has pocket money and the opportunity to spend it at will. Some say they have negotiated that neither makes a decision on purchases over a certain dollar amount without asking, "Is this to the greater good of our marriage?"

Which brings up another he-makes-less hazard: battles in the bedroom. Women who derive satisfaction from supporting their families may feel torn about their role in romance.

On the wedding anniversary, who's sending the roses?

Coontz says this doesn't have to be a wedge: "You would think if women make more, they feel more free to say no, and they do. But they also feel more free to initiate sex. And women think it's sexy when men do housework so you have a recipe for good romance."