Sep 05, 2008 - 15:05:14 CDT
Lance Armstrong, Kermit the Frog, the mean neighbor lady from "The Wizard of Oz," Pee-Wee Herman and Duckie from "Pretty in Pink." What is the thread that ties these popular culture icons together?No, not bow ties. They all famously ride bicycles. And now, thanks to the magical persuasion of high gas prices and my increasingly doughy physique, so do I.
It all started with a dare. My lovely girlfriend Annette asked me what Imight want for my birthday, and I he who cannot think quickly blurted out, "Bicycle!" Imeant to say a unicycle or a banjo, but one never wants to look indecisive in front of one's lady, so Ihad to stick with my original answer.
And, next thing you know, there we were at Barry's Bikes, ordering me a blue one. Ilike blue. Some other details:It has two wheels, handlebars and pedals, and it's shiny.
Biking to work each day has been a glorious epiphany. The world is so much more wide open and beautiful to me now than it was driving. Ican hear the birds twittering in the trees, feel the breeze against my face, sense the ill will growing on the inside of the driver following behind me. Go around me, man, I'm enjoying this breeze.
I'm also enjoying all the many accessories Ican now purchase to go along with my new blue friend (I've named my bike Grover, were you wondering). First off, Ineeded a helmet, which works out well for a guy who doesn't always remember that the brake is on the handle, not in the pedals. As Iremember it, I screamed something along the lines of "No brakes! No brakes! Why aren't Istopping?"as Iapproached warp speed, flying down that terrible hill.
Yes, my helmet is also blue. Ifear change.
Next stop: tassle store. After that, Iwas just a basket, a bell and some spoke butterflies away from riding in the kind of style Ifeel that the world expects from me.
Did you know they don't sell DVD players that can be installed on a bicycle? I, too, was shocked.
I've made several revelations about Bismarck in my time as a bicycle enthusiast. For instance, did you know that they have yet to construct a bicycle trail leading directly from my front door to the Tribune offices?It baffles and confuses the mind. However, they were kind enough to make most of the ride from my house to work a downhill slide, so less pedaling for me. Good work, city planners.
On the other side of the coin, it appears that most of the route leading from the Tribune back to my house is uphill. What knucklehead planned that out?
My bike is powered by this new-fangled alternative energy source, which is a combination of human determination and my spindly legs. Hydrogen cells play no part in the process, which is disappointing to both me and Al Gore, but I'm not one to complain. One day, I'm sure my bicycle will be powered completely by solar energy, and my spindly legs will earn the respite they so richly deserve.
Until that day comes, though, I guess I'll just make do with all my excess determination and the breeze sliding pleasantly through my helmet and/or hair.
(Editor's note - Thank you to the staff of the Bismarck State College Mystician for pointing out that Dorothy wasn't the character who rode a bike in "The Wizard of Oz." That statement has been corrected in this online version.)
(Reach the blue-biked badboy, columnist Kelly Hagen, at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@bismarcktribune.com.)
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