Bismarck Tribune - News » Columnists » Hagen - Guns N' Roses album just what Dr. Pepper ordered

Guns N' Roses album just what Dr. Pepper ordered

Mar 28, 2008 - 12:44:45 CDT

By Kelly Hagen
Bismarck Tribune

The economy is in a bit of a tizzy lately. Had you noticed?

We've all heard about how the economy is tanking, foreclosures are rising, wheat prices are soaring and pulling our grocery bills up with them, consumer confidence is down and gas prices are ridiculous. And our ever-vigilant government is going to solve all these problems by sending out "economic stimulus" checks of $600 or so.

I'm going to use mine to buy a pet penguin and name it Emperor Waddles.

What I'm really waiting for is something I'm calling an "economic stimulant," in the form of a free can of Dr. Pepper. As reported by Billboard.com (because Icouldn't make this up), Dr. Pepper has announced that, if Guns N' Roses releases its long-promised opus, "Chinese Democracy,"sometime in 2008, they will give "everyone in America" a free can of their carbonated sugar syrup.

GN'R fans have spent years imagining the moment that they would finally hear this album, soaking in the sounds of frontman Axl Rose's shrieking atop heavy metal thunder, the feel of the CD case, and finally looking down on what will have to be the greatest recording in music history.

Now, they have a new sensory image to add to that daydream:the taste of 23 flavors that come together to form the Voltron of soft drinks, Dr. Pepper.

While we're on the subject, how can something have 23 flavors?Are they counting high-fructose corn syrup as a flavor?Here are my best guesses on a few more:vanilla, caffeinated bath water, Tang, paprika, bubbles and just a touch of plum.

Anyway, don't start making plans for that Dr. Pepper just yet (Ialready promised mine to the penguin). Axl has already invested 15 years and reportedly $13 million into recording "Chinese Democracy." After that long and that much effort, this album really has to be at least as good as "Sgt. Pepper," (pun intended) or he's going to take a lot of abuse. Will the promise of a free soda be enough for Axl to let his baby go?

I certainly hope so. I think that "Chinese Democracy"could really do a lot of good right now. After all, the government is giving its economic stimulus checks to us in the hopes that we'll go out and spend that money, and spur the economy. So here's something we can all spend $14 of that stimulus on. What else were you going to spend that money on? A jet ski? A pet penguin? A tank of gas?Get real; you can't afford any of those things.

In fact, the combination of money flowing through the retail sector and the sugar high we all get from our Dr. Peppers might be just the thing to shake off recession.

Picture if you will:The U.S. economy is again flush with money, and a thankful nation turns its back on our two political parties, and instead rewards Axl Rose with the presidency in November, becoming our first leader to wear his hair in corn rows since Grover Cleveland. Axl then spreads "Democracy"across the globe, curing all ills in the Middle East, freeing Tibet from the grasp of China, and ending the horrors of Sudan.

Get ready for some "World Democracy,"all thanks to Axl Rose and some multi-flavored corn syrup.

(Columnist Kelly Hagen is a pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too?If so, contact him at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@bismarcktribune.com.)

News > Columnists

Printer friendly version Guns N' Roses album just what Dr. Pepper ordered

Comments

dante wrote on Apr 3, 2008 8:09 PM:

" what? the collective is speaking to me? "

Mary K wrote on Apr 3, 2008 6:56 AM:

" dante, I AM company time. "

dante wrote on Apr 2, 2008 5:44 PM:

" great story, looking forward to the new GNR, should it EVER see the light of day...the maryK/captaincrunch/rex/thomaselliot/kelly collective should probably call a timeout, though. must be one charming household. arent they(?) some the same people(?) that were salivating over b. spears' mental difficulties earlier, hoping for blood?..... NICE!!! "

Debaser wrote on Apr 2, 2008 2:42 PM:

" Or maybe someone should call Mary K's employer and let them know she's wasting valuable company time surfing the Internet, instead of running the Orange Julius machine like she's supposed to. "

Mary K wrote on Apr 2, 2008 5:25 AM:

" Wow, Kelly. You must be REALLY smart. Well after we all had a good laugh at your expense, we talked it over and came up with a plan. First we admonished our junior member for posting with your name, even though they used a ? after it which would indicate they were addressing you personally. Then we decided to offer some advice. Perhaps you should call your employer and acknowledge that you are too thin skinned to have your opinions subjected to public response. It's a big bad world out there and not everybody is going to agree with you or your opinion. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. You may someday run across another person named Kelly, I have. "

mama wrote on Apr 1, 2008 10:21 AM:

" I agree with Tarra. There is enough seriousness in the paper. Learn to have some fun, people. And by the way, there is no period in Dr Pepper. I have a can sitting on my desk... "

Tarra wrote on Mar 30, 2008 10:48 AM:

" Bravo Kelly. I loved it. It doesn't get any better than a nice light hearted column and a few good laughs. Thanks! "

Erik wrote on Mar 29, 2008 1:51 PM:

" Hey, fun! Sock puppets! Because when you're not talented enough to convince large amounts of actual people to go along with your way of thinking, why not use the anonymity of the Internet to pretend to be a bunch of other people? It's easy, it's fun, and requires no talent or creativity whatsoever! Matter of fact, just about any moron can do it!

I hate it when people assume that the entire world is as stupid as they are. "

Captain Crunch wrote on Mar 29, 2008 1:03 PM:

" Hey Captain Crunch/REX/Mark K/Thomas Elliot.
It's me, Kelly Hagen. I see you're rocking yourself a brand new screen name with the Kelly? I'm a little bummed out, however, since that was originally my name. So, I figured I'd start using "Captain Crunch" from now on, since you're not using it.
Or should I use REX? Or Mary K? Or Thomas Elliot? I see that all five of these different screen names are using the same IP address. Weird.
We do actually kind of have a rule here where we ask commenters to stick to one screen name. I hope you'll follow it, in the future. Thanks for the feedback! "

cluelessKelly wrote on Mar 29, 2008 12:53 PM:

" Love your writing style, Kelly. How about you stop complaining about something you read on the internet and write something interesting for us to read? Perhaps a 350 word essay on listening to the wind. Yes, that would invigorate my day, inspiring me to grab a can of Dr Pepper (yes, there is no period after the Dr) and listen to the wind (or perhaps breaking wind, not sure which). With each letter you type and say little, you are consuming vital national digital resources. The internet is not limitless. Each word is like cutting down another tree. Please stop filling up that old internet box with waste. "

Kelly? wrote on Mar 29, 2008 11:47 AM:

" Once again.....what are you babbling about? Is this essay really your world? Get out and get away, shut off your TV. Shut off your radio. Go outside. Listen to the wind. Good heavens! You are the perfect example in prose of what a lame duck society we have become. Some of us actually beleive in global warming! What the heck do Guns and Roses have to do with anything REAL? And when was the last time Dr. Pepper contributed anything of value to human beings? The Bismarck Tribune needs a new writer for this column. "

Nate wrote on Mar 28, 2008 11:30 AM:

" This is kind of a double-edged sword of sorts. No one in their right mind really wants to hear "Chinese Democracy" and we certainly don't need to be drinking any Dr. Pepper, either. Could it be possible that Dr. Pepper meant this as a deterrent, hoping that Axl would have enough love for his fellow man that he wouldn't wish for us all to have to drink a can of Dr. Pepper? "

Post Your Own Comment

All online comments are limited to 350 words total.
Comments are reviewed for taste, tone and language before posting.
Some comments may be used in the Tribune's print edition.