Aug 05, 2007 - 04:03:03 CDT
Stacey Leben has fielded calls from parents upset that their children haven't cleaned their rooms by a certain time and once from a mom mad that one daughter used her sister's suitcase.During the 13 years Leben was a youthworker in the Police Youth Bureau at the Bismarck Police Department, some parents chose to call in law enforcement as a way to deal with their children.
Parents have called law enforcement when their children won't go to bed, sit in a car seat and when siblings are arguing.
Lt. Dan Donlin, who heads the department's Police Youth Bureau, agreed that parents calling police when their kids get into trouble at home is nothing new. The reports don't come through every day, or even every week, but it is something officers and youthworkers continually have to handle, he said.
Though officers should be involved in situations involving violence or danger, authorities stress that parents should call in law enforcement only after they have exhausted all other options of coping with normal child misbehavior.
"If they have a child who's difficult to control at any age, Ithink police should be the last resort except in cases of violence," Leben said.
"For menial behavioral problems, they need to utilize parenting skills," Donlin agreed.
He advises against parents using "empty threats," such as telling children they will call police or that if they don't do as the parents say a policeman will put them in jail.
"I don't think it works," Leben, who recently took a position with the Bismarck Public School District, said.
For one thing, the system doesn't work that way. Parents can't have their children placed in the Youth Correctional Center, and children younger than 12 years old cannot be placed there by law.
Donlin said young children may start out afraid of the police, but they soon learn police do not issue consequences. Police are there to help people, protect people and enforce the law, but they don't dole out punishments, he said.
And when a child keeps hearing that an officer will arrest him if he's bad, he may not feel secure turning to police in a time of need, Donlin said.
"If that child ever needs help, do you think he's going to go to that officer?" he asked. "It actually can backfire."
Dr. Kory Frey, a child-and-adolescent psychiatrist with St. Alexius Archway Mental Health Services, said parents also shouldn't tell their children they are going to call police if they aren't going to do it. If the behavior has gotten out of hand and the authorities may be of help, parents should call, not threaten.
"My general advice to parents is to involve authorities if there is fear of danger," Frey said.
Police can issue juvenile citations for unruly behavior to children who won't listen to their parents. However, officers and youthworkers won't cite children just because their parents want them to, Leben said.
If a parent's first line of defense against problem behaviors is to call police, Leben said she will refer parents first to other resources.
Parents having problems with their children should find people who can help them, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors, Leben said.
"Parents need to develop a support system," she said.
If mom is having trouble with her teenager, it might be helpful to call another parent "who has been through the teen years" with their own child, she said.
"I think it helps parents to get together and know they're not the only one in the boat," Frey agreed.
Leben suggests parents consider having family meetings when their children start displaying problem behaviors. Explain the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules in a child-friendly manner, she said.
"If you have kids that are acting up at home, you have to make sure they know what the rules are and that there are consequences," she said.
Some children, such as those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, may need constant reminders of a parent's expectations and limits, Frey said.
He said parents sometimes have problems if they try to suddenly set expectations and limits with their children when those haven't been in place before.
"They try to change the kid's behavior without changing their own," he said.
Pick realistic consequences, Leben advises. Grounding your daughter from the phone for a month means you have to watch her every second to make sure she's not using the phone.
"When you ground a kid, you ground yourself," she said. "The best thing to do is short and sweet."
Leben explained that groundings or other punishments shouldn't be drawn out, because parents can't be with their children to make sure they are obeying the rules at every moment. Grounding a child from everything for one or two days is more realistic, she said. A child can be banned from doing anything but school, chores and meals, and parents can use the opportunity to incorporate family time, such as playing a game together, into the day.
Frey suggests that parents spend positive time with each of their children. The visits don't have to be long, even 15 minutes a couple times every week can help build a strong relationship between parents and children, he said.
The time should be set aside, like an appointment from work, and parents can listen and talk to their kids without interruptions and television, he said.
"It's hard to carve out that one-on-one time," he said.
Problem behaviors may be learned behaviors, Donlin said. He said he worked with children when he started in the department 19 years ago, and those children's children are now displaying the same behaviors their parents once did.
If parents yell at their children or each other, "the child will sometimes yell, too," Donlin said.
Leben said such behaviors may have to do with a parent's tolerance levels.
"Some parents can take their kids screaming and yelling and running through the house, and others can't," she said.
Frey said the behaviors of parents can be evident in a preliminary session. Plus, kids sometimes point out their parents' behaviors, and some parents will admit problems, he said.
"Some parents will openly admit, gosh, I yell too much," he said.
Leben said the parents need to follow through on their punishments. Rescinding a one-week grounding sentence after a day shows children they can get away with the behaviors, she said.
"If (parents) don't follow through, (children) will know they can manipulate them," she said.
But sometimes the consequences doled out don't work, the family and friends called in as back up don't seem to be making a difference, and parents don't know where to turn.
"There are incidents where parents have gotten to their wits end," Leben said.
When that happens, counselors, psychiatrists or other mental health services may be of assistance, she said.
"Sometimes parents will misinterpret, mistake, some mental health issues with behavior problems," she said.
Youthworkers at the Police Youth Bureau frequently refer children and families to Frey, or two other child and adolescent psychiatrists in the Bismarck area. Frey said the youthworkers perform a mental health screening on children, then recommend some children be brought to a psychiatrist for further assistance.
Frey has 30-minute visits with the child, which sometimes includes visiting with parents.
Sometimes, Frey can make a diagnosis of a mental illness that may be contributing to behavior problems. The child may be prescribed medication, or individual or family therapy may be recommended, he said.
Some children need partial hospitalization, or day treatment, which consists of going for treatment Monday through Friday, from 8 a.m. to 2 or 3 p.m., Frey said.
Depression is the most common diagnosis for children displaying problem behaviors, though doctors also see anxiety and ADHD frequently. In about half of ADHD cases, children also have oppositional defiant disorder, which is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant and hostile behavior toward authority figures, Frey said.
When parents have gotten through a "continuum" of attempts at fixing their child's behavior to no avail, then sometimes police may be the next step, Leben said.
"If it gets to a level where things are just out of control, it's OK to call police,"Donlin said. Leben added that calling anyone who can help calm a situation, such as an especially close uncle or the neighbor the child respects, can be another option.
Most children view officers as authority figures, so sometimes having them come will help, Frey said. Other times, the fact that the officer is not close to either party helps mitigate the situation.
"Sometimes it is just that impartial third party,"he said.
Calling police on children is never an easy thing, Frey said.
"It's a hard thing. A lot of parents refuse to do it," he said. "Sometimes, as hard as it is, that's a way to get families involved in services."
When the child's behavior escalates to serious offenses, like thefts and drugs, some parents may turn in their children while others will try other options first, Donlin said.
"They need to deal with that how they feel is best," he said. "The parent isn't doing it to be mean."
(Reach reporter Jenny Michael at 250-8225 or jenny.michael@;bismarcktribune.com.)
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