Jul 23, 2007 - 04:03:51 CDT
Has this ever happened to you? You walk into the doctor's office, and your mind is on whether your dog has given you dog flu, or walking the dog has given you West Nile virus, and ... wham. You're blindsided."Step on the scale," the nurse says.
"Your scale is way off," I inform her a moment later.
And, of course, the doctor comes in and backs her up: "You need to go on a diet."
Well, heck. Whether it's "executive spread"or "middle-aged spread," it tends to hit most of us, sooner or later.
In my case, it was sooner and later. I've fought the D-monster for most of my life. If I could have kept off every pound I've ever lost ... well, I'd be a negative me.
So, I tried the Denial Diet. This is where you delude yourself into thinking that "just cutting back" will make a difference.
Actually, in my case, it did: I gained 6 pounds. In two weeks. I forget where Iwas cutting back.
My doctor's response? "I don't like that diet. Try another one."
My fear is that this is all going to spiral out of control, until I'm actually eating less and exercising more.
And Ihate to exercise. At my job, I sit at a computer. All of my hobbies involve sitting. Is there an exercise out there that involves sitting? And, preferably, not moving?
They say to diet with a buddy, and I can probably browbeat St. Pete into dieting with me - when other guys are showing off their abdominal "six-packs," he'll remind them he's got a "keg."
But, frankly, I'm not sure that will be enough.
So, dear readers, I'm inviting you to join me in this trial by famine. ... Who is with me?
OK, you're probably wondering why you should take part in a group diet. I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "Just because you have to suffer, Derri, doesn't mean we all have to."
Well, check the mirror. Maybe you don't. Or ... just maybe you should think about it.
If you're still not convinced, here are three good reasons why you should join me in doing the dirty D:
1. I get to do my impression of Henry V at the Battle of Agincourt (with apologies to William Shakespeare):
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his (girth) with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in (Fargo) now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here ...
(Try saying that out loud a while. It really is fun.)
2. Misery does, in fact, love company. If you join me in the evil D-word, then we can write cranky e-mails back and forth, measure our progress and maybe swap recipes for calorie-free cheesecake, or something.
3. Perhaps most importantly, if you don't join me, I'm left dieting with a buddy who insists, "I'm in shape. Round's a shape."
(Reach Derri Scarlett at 250-8249 or derri.scarlett@;bismarcktribune.com. Her column runs on alternate Mondays.)
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