Jun 01, 2007 - 04:06:30 CDT
This past Monday was Memorial Day, a day set aside to remember those brave heroes who have laid down their lives in the name of their country. Their sacrifice is the most noble possible, so this day is meant to ensure that they are never forgotten.Way, way down on the heroes totem pole are the rock stars who usually lose their lives due to their inability to breathe through a respiratory system clogged by vomit. We don't have a day of remembrance dedicated to them, and that's probably for the best. But a guy, from time to time, can't help but wonder, "What if they were still here?"
Well, wonder no longer, because Isent an intern down into a black hole to find out.
Why an intern?Well, because Ihired four of them to assist me in my column-making duties earlier this month, only to find out that the Tribune doesn't actually approve of me hiring interns. So I've got to get rid of these kids before the higher-ups notice them all milling aimlessly around my desk.
Why a black hole?Well, Irecently saw a special on the Discovery channel about Stephen Hawking, and how he had made an about-face concerning his theory on how black holes work. Unlike Hawking, Ihave never flip-flopped concerning my personal theory about black holes: They are magic warp pipes to an alternate, more perfect universe, where "Lost" is half as confusing and twice as entertaining, Britney still has a full head of hair, and our best rock stars no longer die young.
So, into the dark abyss my intern went and, unfortunately, he made it back alive. Luckily enough for everyone, though, he scribbled everything he observed inside this alternate plane of existence onto a cocktail napkin. So, as best as I can decipher his chicken scratchings, here is everything he wrote down.
3 John Lennon is serving his fourth term as Earth's grand ruler supreme. He's united all the world's cultures and religions into a culture of complete understanding, and an absolute peace reigns across all the land. None of this is near as great an accomplishment as when he wrote "In My Life,"but it's nice that he just keeps trying.
In 1998, he was introduced to Bjork backstage at a Cibo Matto show and instantly fell head over heels in love with her. They ran away together, thus destroying Lennon's marriage to Yoko Ono. Isuppose, if you wanted to be cute about it, you could say that Bjork had Yoko Ono'd Yoko Ono's marriage. But that's only if you want to get your cheap giggles over a the myriad of painful emotions associated with divorce, you cold, heartless fiends.
Also, Lennon has been the driving force behind our world's efforts at forgiving third-world debt, ending the humanitarian crisis in Darfur and the fight against the spread of AIDS in Africa. He is truly a great man.
No one cares about Bono.
3 Jim Morrison never moved to Paris, and never died in that bathtub. He set roots down in Los Angeles and just kept growing his caveman beard. By '76, Morrison's beard had overtaken the lower two-thirds of California, including L.A., San Francisco and Oakland. With all the liberal big-city voters in California entangled in facial hair and unable to make their way to the ballot box, the Democrats can never again count on the electoral votes of California, and they haven't won a U.S. presidential election since.
None of this really matters, as the position of U.S. president has mostly become a figurehead under the brilliant guidance of our worldly leader, John Lennon. We all really love that guy.
3 Except for an unfortunate dalliance with the keytar during the early '80s (we all made some bad decisions in the '80s, didn't we?), Jimi Hendrix has spent every waking moment of his life perfecting his guitar skills. He currently tours completely solo, without the aid of a backup band, as he's mastered the technique of playing lead, rhythm and percussion on guitar, simultaneously. You should really see his live show; he's got this Stratocaster that shoots off fireworks during his rendition of the national anthem, all while being suspended 50 feet in the air and playing the guitar with his eyelashes. It's just so patriotic.
No one has the slightest clue who Eddie Van Halen is.
3 Mama Cass never choked to death on a ham sandwich. Along these same lines, it should be noted that she didn't choke to death on a ham sandwich in our universe, either. She died of a heart attack, yet everyone still seems to believe that sandwich story. Do your research, people.
Anyway, in the other universe, she definitely didn't choke to death on a sandwich, either. Beyond that, she's doing OK. She sends her regards.
3 At the height of Nirvana's success, Kurt Cobain abruptly quit the band and joined the minor league system for the Chicago White Sox. He was kicked off the team after two disastrous months and more than $2,700 worth of batting helmets ruined by his no good, greasy beatnik hair.
Cobain eventually returned to Nirvana, but the band's massive popularity cooled over time. They've maintained a comfortable cult status for more than 10 years now, though, and they're headlining Lollapalooza this year. That ought to be fun.
Without the shiny spectre of an iconic talent shot down in his prime, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"is no longer considered the greatest song of the '90s. In fact, it only came in at No. 17 on a list compiled by Blender magazine. Instead, most critics agree that the defining song of the decade was C & C Music Factory's "Things That Make You Go Hmmm."
I said this universe was more perfect than ours. I didn't say it was absolutely perfect.
(Reach columnist Kelly Hagen at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@;bismarcktribune.com. His column runs on Fridays.)
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