Oct 06, 2006 - 02:05:46 CDT
If I could pinpoint the moment when I first knew that not all dreams were truly attainable in this lifetime, it would be the moment I first found out that I would never be able to meet Daffy Duck.It's a heartbreaking moment in one's development, after all. You're moving along, thinking all things are possible, then somebody breaks it to you that you can't shake hands with a cartoon character because it's just a series of line drawings shown in rapid succession to create the illusion of movement.
It was shocking. It tore my soul apart. I cried and cried and called in sick for a couple days. It was enough to totally ruin last week for me.
Doctors won't write a note excusing you from work due to the stress induced by finding out cartoon characters aren't real. This whole thing has cost me a lot of money.
I love cartoons because I am a part of the first generation of Americans that seems to refuse to grow up. Did you know that, according to a study by the Entertainment Software Association, the average age of video game players is 33? Yeah, that's a statistic. I don't know the statistics on cartoon watching, but considering how animated films always seem to debut at No. 1, I'm guessing the appeal runs across more than a few generations.
The newest cartoon movie to debut at No. 1 is "Open Season." Despite my very strict no-Ashton-Kutcher-movies-ever policy, I was at the theater this opening weekend. It wounded me, but it was animated after all, so Kutcher would be heard but not seen, and Paul Westerberg, former lead singer of the Replacements, wrote and performed the majority of the soundtrack. I was honor bound to be there.
Despite the fact I spent way more mental energy concentrating on the background music than I've ever done at any other movie, I enjoyed the flick. It won't change the course of cinematic history, but I sure do find gigantic, domesticated grizzly bears to be cuddly and endearing. Only in animated form, though. If I met a bear that sounded like Martin Lawrence in real life, I'd be pretty scared and not at all comfortable.
I've noticed the increasing prominence of fart jokes in animated films in recent years. I find the strangest things offensive, like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and decorative pillows, which causes me to be out of step with the rest of the masses. And I must really be out of step on fart jokes, because I don't get the chuckles out of seeing an animated squirrel pass gas. It's stupid.
So, I would like to warn any like-minded individuals that "Open Season"takes fart jokes to the next level, with a stunt Iwas more than a little shocked to see. While trying to stretch the joke of how this bear can't go to the bathroom in the woods, which bears are commonly known to do, they have the deer voiced by Kutcher defecate, right on screen.
How is this acceptable?It's a family movie. Idon't think most families want to see cartoon characters doing their business. I guess Ishould be at least slightly comforted by the fact that it was cartoon feces, so Ididn't have to watch a real person doing the real deal.
Until the next day, when Iwent to see "Jackass: Number Two" and saw real people producing real human waste, figuratively and literally. But Iwas there becaue Ilike cartoons, and I'm going to write this one up as a cartoon, too. A filthy cartoon, but any movie that climaxes with its lead character blasting off into the atmosphere tied to a gigantic rocket, I'm not going to allow myself to consider these characters as human beings.
"Jackass" is a movie with a swear in its name. This guilts me to my very core, so I got special permission to use it in text from the Tribune's editor, Dave Bundy. We haggled over it, and he told me I could use it, but only twice, so I will henceforth be substituting in a term that means essentially the same thing.
While watching "David Spade," I heard the word "idiot" being thrown at the screen by more than a few people. And, because I'm squeamish and can't really stand to stare at a dude with a leech attached to his eyeball for very long, I had plenty of time to sit there hands over my eyes and squealing while I thought about whether or not the stars of this "David Spade" sequel really are idiots.
It's pretty obvious that they do idiotic things. Bam Margera gets branded several times by a hot iron, Steve-o puts a large hook through his cheek and jumps into open water with sharks for a little game of "man fishing," and Johnny Knoxville lets a yak bull gore him while he is blindfolded.
But, who am I to judge? I still find myself clapping and giggling every time I see somebody walking one of those little, yapper dog along on a leash. Every time.
So I'm no mental goliath, myself. And, all the stars of "David Spade" pull idiotic stunts, but they're getting paid huge sums of money to do it. Meanwhile, I and every person in that theater paid $7.50 of our own money to watch this torture, and we're the ones calling them idiots?
Regrettably, the movie is an enjoyable experience. I was forced to do the unthinkable, in that Isat in a seat directly between two other people, as the theater was packed. And this makes me uncomfortable, because Ilike using both of my armrests, and movie theaters have those annoying communal armrests where you and your neighbor have to decide ahead of time who gets to rest their arms.
Yet, Ididn't even spend that much time dwelling on this paranoia of mine, because the action of the movie makes for a shared experience among all the theater-goers, where everybody is yelling at the screen, belly-laughing and twisting in discomfort. Good times.
Unlike most cartoon characters, Iam absolutely OKwith the idea Imay never meet Bam Margera. Wouldn't have it any other way.
(Kelly Hagen's column appears on Fridays. He can be reached at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@;bismarcktribune.com.)
Wendy wrote on Oct 21, 2006 1:27 AM:
Good Read wrote on Oct 9, 2006 3:41 PM:
Comments are reviewed for taste, tone and language before posting.
Some comments may be used in the Tribune's print edition.