I love television in the same way that most people love squirrels frollicking in the park - from a safe distance for fear of radiation exposure. Since it's that magical time of year when TV provides me with a slew of new programming, I wanted to give my own preview of what the networks have in store for us lucky viewers.

Unfortunately, since I'm just some random goober from North Dakota, the networks don't send me advance copies to review. So just like the rest of you random goobers, I have to watch the shows when they debut, which most haven't yet. So here's my preview without my having actually seen any of these shows yet.

Friday Night Lights
NBC Tuesdays 7:00pm



Shouldn't this show be on Friday nights instead of Tuesdays? This will just lead to confusion, with people tuning in on Fridays and not finding it because it's not on. Therefore, they should either move it to Fridays or rename it Tuesday Night Lights. Or just cancel it. Whatever.

30 Rock
NBC Wednesdays 8:30pm

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
NBC Mondays 9:00pm

 

I'm pretty sure these are both the same show with different titles. I don't know why NBC would do this. It reeks of desperation. Maybe they were hoping no one would notice. Well, I noticed. And I am not amused.

Kidnapped
NBC Wednesdays 9:00pm

Vanished
FOX Mondays 8:00pm

 

Again, same damn show. It's like they think we're stupid or something.

'Til Death
FOX Thursdays 7:00pm



They brought back Married... With Children? Who asked them to do that?

The Class
CBS Mondays 7:00pm



It's like Friends, except there's eight of them. And they all went to elementary school together. And it will probably suck hard.

20 Good Years
NBC Wednesdays 8:00pm



I'd say 20 Episodes would be pushing it, let alone good ones.

Arrested Development
G4TV Weekdays 10:30pm



Oh, that's right. This show isn't debuting at all. It got cancelled last year because you idiots wouldn't watch it. Well, thanks a lot, jerks. Now instead of watching this in prime time, I have to stay up until 10:30 to watch reruns of it on the video game network. Happy?

Happy Hour
FOX Thursday 7:30pm



And this is why they cancelled Arrested Development, so they'd have more room for this crap. If I ever run into Rupert Murdoch, I'm going to punch him right in his 98-year-old face.

Men In Trees
ABC Fridays 8:00pm



As much as I'm intrigued by the 1-2 punch of Anne Heche being all crazy and the idea of a show devoted to guys hanging out in trees, I think I'll still pass on this one. It's nothing personal. I just don't watch ABC.

Ok, wasn't that exciting. Betting starts now on which of the above crap gets cancelled first.

-Erik Hagen
/I'd put my money on Happy Hour.
TheExpatriateAct@gmail.com