Halloween. We all know the drill. Unlike all the rest of the inferior holidays, like Christmas, Arbor Day and your birthday, Halloween isn't based upon the premise of feeling warm inside and goodwill and cheer and all that other crap. No, what Halloween is about is bringing bad karma down upon as many of your fellow world travelers as is humanly possible, whether they be your kids or your pets or even yourself. But if you're tired of looking for ways to bring harm upon yourself or your loved ones this Halloween, why not dish some of that harm back out upon a cold, unforgiven world and instead wear a costume that is sure to offend as many living and non-living entities as is humanly possible. So here they are, the most offensive to human civilization Halloween costumes out there, sure to drive anyone you meet into a blood lusting terror. And I can safely affirm that, because if I run into you wearing any of these costumes, I will surely kick you until you are dead.

Gangbanger



Nothing says "I have very little understanding of how or why other cultures dress the way they do" quite as well as this little number, as modeled by about as white a child as you could possibly ask for. Thug life born. Thug life bred. Wear this costume out in public and you'll be thug life dead. Word to your mother.

Mexican



Turns out that Mexican costumes are pretty standard these days, and almost all of them involve a sombrero and a pancho and a big ass mustache, because that's exactly how every Mexican everywhere looks, all the time. But I think it's the burro that really pushes this one over the top for me. Yeah, those Mexican people. Always riding their burros. Am I right?

Balloon Boy



Hey, remember that whole stupid Balloon Boy thing that everyone was talking about for a few days or so? Well, that's me! I must be the only person who thought of doing this, by gum! I'm so topical!

Michael Jackson



Michael Jackson costume: not funny. Zombie Michael Jackson from Thriller video costume: kinda funny.

Geisha Girl



Before you pick this costume up for your teenager, perhaps you should go look up the definition of the word "geisha." Do it now.

Illegal Alien



You might've read about this one. It got pulled off the shelves in Target and Walgreens. I'm not so much offended by it dehumanizing an entire group of people as I am it being a really bad pun. Also, if he has his green card, why exactly is he illegal? And why is he wearing a prison outfit already? If he's in prison, he's not illegal anymore. He's a convict alien. Okay, so now I have a headache.

Bernie Madoff



Boy, who wanted want to dress up as a scumbag who stole millions of dollars from unsuspecting people? Just think, you too can pretend to be one of the biggest scumbags on the planet right now. And be pummeled with an inflatable mallet at the same time! Weeee!

Terrorist



I don't quite know how to break this to you, kid, but your parents are just terrible people.

And then this last one doesn't have a photo (though I really wish it did), but is instead an actual, honest Craigslist ad that somebody somewhere actually went to the trouble of writing and then letting other people read. Please enjoy it in the completely misguided way that it was attempted. (tip of the hat, wag of the finger to Topless Robot for having originally discovered it.)

Need an amputee to complete my Halloween costume (Brooklyn)

So this might seem strange and really offensive to some but hopefully someone will reply. I have always loved the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca has to carry around a half reconstructed C3PO in a backpack because he hasn't reattached his lower body yet. For Halloween I would love to dress up like this. I am big enough and strong enough to both pull off the Chewbacca look and to carry around a lot of weight for the night. So basically I am looking for a double amputee (someone missing both legs - preferably at the hip) to accompany me as C3PO for the evening. We should meet ahead of time so that we can work out the backpack/harness system. There are a few parties that I want to hit and I think we will be the hit of any event we attend. Anyone up for this?

I'm disappointed that he also didn't ask for midgets to dress up as Ewoks. You know, just to complete the theme.

And there it is, America. All the costume ideas you need to show civilization just how much you don't care for it. Please wear them with caution. Unless you happen to not fear being run over by a car. Because you will be. I can almost guarantee it.

-Erik Hagen
/And remember, stay off my lawn. Don't make me come over there.
TheExpatriateAct@gmail.com